apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
