Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
