I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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