i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
