Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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