There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
