so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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