Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think I died a long time ago.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
