i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
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I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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