Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
