went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
