9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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