I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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