I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
