Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
