I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
