Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
