I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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