it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
