Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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