I miss vodka workout Fridays
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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