Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
