Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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