I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
