It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
