so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
