Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
even my farts smell like vagina
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
