I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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