A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
