I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale