Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
