you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
