i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
