Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
