eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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