I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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