even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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