The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
