I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
