rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
