So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
