We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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