peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
