Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
