Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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