I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
