Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
