yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking