They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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