So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it