I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
