my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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