You're my little dorito
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
