I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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