we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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