the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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