community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
