I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
