Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
