ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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